What does a “Bachelorette” contestant pack? Hm, yes, it’s the eternal question all Americans are asking. Our curiosity is palpable and the answers are necessary. Why can’t the guys just walk us through their outfits before they meet Rachel!? We would avoid a lot of trouble if we could see their crazy suits, costumes, and gimmicks before they step into the house! Thankfully, Glamour is on the case, zipping open the contestant’s suitcases and peering inside to see who these guys really are.
1. Alex may not know his last name. There is a slight hesitation before Alex mumble’s his way through his last name. It sounds like he said “booty call” but there is no way he tried to pull that on us. Maybe.
2. Cheetah suits are a requirement. No man should wear animal print. Period. Alex sends his animal print suits (PLURAL) to the dry cleaner to get pressed. Home boy just dropped big time on my bracket. Speaking of dropping out…
3. DeMario CAN’T WAIT TO SHOW YOU WHAT HE PACKED! Fruit snacks. DeMario calls himself childish and then talks about candy. Hey eats fruit snacks daily, and as someone expecting to make it to the end of the show, he probably has a suitcase full of them. Had. He gone.
4. Belieber. We should have known. Man, if we had known his “festival shirt” was a collage of Justin Bieber, we would have seen his true colors. And, yes, it is too late to say sorry.
5. Shell-shocked. The phrase made popular by “The Ninja Turtles” seems appropriate when talking about DeMario. Id don’t know when he is planning on wearing that Ninja Turtle costume, but it should have been right here:
6. The doctor likes to doctor. Yes, scrubs are comfortable but who wants to wear their uniform to bed. And he brought a stethoscope? He only brought that thing for the cheesy line about heart palpitations. First of all, boring. Second, you’re a doctor and should know heart arrhythmia is nothing to joke about.
7. Of shirts and long-sleeve shirts. Grant gets it right: long-sleeve shirts are not really shirts. Sure, you can pack them in the same bag, because they obviously aren’t pants. But are they shirts? Who can say?
8. Ignacio is “a bit of a nerdo.” Ok, let’s pause for a moment. Iggy is the first person to pack a book. Most of the days on these shows are spent sitting around waiting for a date card without internet. You dewds need books! But then he plays the high school “dumb is cool” card.
“Awe shucks, you figured it out. I can read. I’m such a stupid.”
Please, sir. You are not “a stupid.” You are a nerdo. Get it right or pay the price! So what are you reading that makes you such a dweeb? Science textbooks? Shakespearean sonnets? Ernest Hemingway novels?
Nope: “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” and “Winning Decisions: Getting It Right the First Time”
Iggy, I hate to do this, but you are not worthy of the Nerdo name.
9. Iggy will ask for back massages. The man carries around a back massager. He gets all knotty from arduous sitting sessions. The odds of this man asking Rachel for a back massage are astronomical.
10. Diggy seems normal. He has a real job and his eccentric piece of flair is a reasonable bow tie. No tricks. No gimmicks. Just normal adult clothes. I would, however, like to know how you get “Diggy” from Kenneth. That is a bit of stretch.