Look, food can be bad for you. Some of it is, like, just not that great even though your tastebuds tell you otherwise. The new superfood that has been sweeping the nation is cauliflower and guess what? It is the perfect replacement for your favorite junk food, burns fat, lowers your cholesterol, takes your dog for a walk, and eats your homework. That sounds crazy, but bro, it ain’t. They don’t call it a “superfood” for nothing. You can replace just about anything with cauliflower for a delicious meal that is utterly devoid of carbs, sugars, fats, and flavor.
Here are just a few of the many things you can replace with cauliflower:
- Broccoli– Cauliflower looks just like broccoli, so why wouldn’t you swap out the green stuff for it’s genetically engineered cousin. Like, it’s so obvi I can’t stand it!!
- Potatoes– Potatoes grow in dirt like roots. And to think, you were just about to eat one! No way, Hosay! Chop up some cauliflower and roast it for the perfect potato replacement.
- Bleached Broccoli– We covered this in #1, but sometimes albino broccoli will try to sneak into your meal to sabotage your diet. This vegetable kamikaze is not to be trifled with! Be vigilant and go with cauliflower.
- Flour– Ask any Jack or Jill in the Instagram fitness biz what flour will do to your body and you’ll get the same answer, “Flour will ruin the world.” And it’s true. Flour has made a mockery of earth. We are the laughing stock of the Milky Way thanks to that powder. The worst part is, Flour thinks it’s soooo clever and soooo funny. Well its not! Flour is full of gluten–magic particals that curse your body with a thousand woes and innumerable griefs. Show Flour who’s boss by replacing it with ground up cauliflower! (WARNING: this is an actual, real world suggestion people on blogs regularly make). If you ignore the taste, smell, texture, look, and sound you can still tell the difference. But not, like, a lot.
- Spackle– Sprinkle cauliflower with a little water and it turns into a thick paste perfect for grouting a bathroom or repairing that hole in your ceiling you made when you didn’t anchor your pull-up bar properly.
- Milk– Now that you have gotten rid of flour, it’s time to tackle dairy. It is a well-ish known theory that cows are actually self-aware like computers and are planning to take over the world. Every Jack and Jill dietician knows this! To accomplish this, cows created a mind control serum called “malk” and humans have been drinking it ever since. If you all are content with being literal sheeple, be my guest, keep drinking dairy. A super easy, and muy delicioso alternative is, you guessed it, cauliflower blended in water!
- Joy– Cauliflower is rich in vitamins and other things that make health conscious people say, “Whoah, I didn’t learn that in yoga class!” I bet you did; you were just having too much fun to notice! Fun and happiness makes you miss the finer things in life. Eating cauliflower will not only absorb those joy toxins, but really allow you to contemplate your place in the vast cosmos.
- Smooth River Stones– It is a completely unknown and never documented fact that David used cauliflower to kill Goliath to save the Hebrew nation from Philistine enslavement. Use a sling and cauliflower to slay the giants in your life!
- Trees– Lots of people don’t know cauliflower is plants. Yes, plants plural. It looks like trees, is a vegetable, and is called a flower. That’s all three plant groups! Go ahead and close the loop by replacing all the trees in the world with cauliflower. It’s super healthy for the environment.
- Skin exfoliant– There are no scientific studies on the dermatological benefits of cauliflower, but why wouldn’t you rub your skin with a vegetable that has the texture of super-rough sandpaper and looks like a wart? C’mon, use your brain!
- A Tiny Hammer: You know, like they do in “Emperor’s New Groove”! Yzma uses broccoli (*vomits everywhere at the thought of something not being cauliflower*) but we already covered how you should replace that with cauliflower. Like, STAT!
Way to go, you have replaced everything with cauliflower, the healthy alternative. Now everything is cauliflower. There is nothing else.