25 Terrible, But Hilarious One-Liners

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Who doesn’t love a corny joke that has a terrible pun or cringe-worthy punch line? Yes, some of these one-liners are bad, but they’re guaranteed to give you some laughs.

So, when you’re looking to impress the ladies or make your co-workers chuckle, you may (or may not) want to use one of these hilariously bad one-liners.

25 Terrible, But Hilarious One-Liners:

1. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” — Conan O’Brien


2. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” — George Carlin

3. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin

4. “Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.” — Noel Coward

5. “I never forget a face, but in your case I”d be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx

6. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain


7. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” — Ken Dodd

8. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” — Richard Pryor

9. “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper

10. “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” — Woody Allen

11. “The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.” — Oscar Wilde


12. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” — Ambrose Bierce

13. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” — Steven Wright

14. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin

15. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” — Joan Rivers

16. “My dad used to say “always fight fire with fire”, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” — Peter Kay


17. “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” — Mitch Hedberg

18. “I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” — Ben Bailey

19. “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” — WC Fields

20. “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” — Mae West

21. “I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was gathering dust.” — Tim Vine


22. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

23. “The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” — Lenny Bruce

24. “Trying is the first step towards failure.” — Homer Simpson

25. “I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back” — Eric Morecambe

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