7 Quotes from the Premiere of “Real Housewives of Dallas” That Made Me Roll My Eyes

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I lived in the Big D for 7 years. My time there, and I do mean Dallas, was wonderful. But, I also grew to have a very real love-hate relationship with the city. It’s a weird little town with weird little quirks and there’s a reason it has the reputation and stereotype it does. Just ask Bravo! if the stereotypes are true. After all, they don’t give just any city a “Real Housewives” franchise.

Like my time living in Dallas, I love-hate seeing Dallas portrayed on television. I love seeing all of the places I used to hang out and drive past on TV, but I hate that every single B-roll shot features a cow, an oil rig or both. Actual B-roll shots should include a small Lexus SUV, the drive-thru line at Chick-Fil-A on Southwestern or the valet parking signs at several of the grocery stores. Television cameras don’t ever capture true Dallas or Dallasites, so I knew I was going to be in for it when I sat down to watch Bravo’s brand new “Real Housewives of Dallas.” It was full of cliches and lots of other things that made me roll my eyes.

7 Quotes from the Premiere of “Real Housewives of Dallas” That Made Me Roll My Eyes :

1. “Charity World”

2. “It’s a little Plano in here.”

First off, I’ve never heard the phrase “charity world” more than I heard it during this 43-minute long episode. And I lived in Dallas for 7 years and worked a place that did a lot of charity work and worked with a lot of charities. It’s not a thing.

Second, very few people will get the Plano joke, but man– that’s rough. And it’s not something you want someone to say about a party you’re attending or hosting.

3.”Life is also a little bit more fun with Jesus juice.”

4. “Communion is taken with Jesus juice. You can take communion every day.”

Brandi is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and her theology is very mixed up. If there’s a church in Dallas (or anywhere) serving Chardonnay during communion it’s time to re-examine a few things.

Also, let’s not bring Jesus into your possible over-consumption of wine, okay?

5. As you can see, our hair doesn’t touch the sky. And I don’t have cowboy boots on. There’s no cows in my backyard. We are far from a hick town, and I am far from a Southern belle.”

Too much. It’s just all too much.

6. “If you’re a woman in Dallas, the essentials are you need a great handbag, a great pair of shoes, and you need a great pair of boobs.”

This makes it sound like you can exist in Dallas society with just one great pair of shoes and there’s just no way that’s true. Also, most argue that you just need several credit cards with high limits to really make it in Dallas.

7. “I came to Dallas to shine my light, not to fight.” // “I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas I’m never on the sidelines.” // “I’m the girl next door…if you live in a big ol’ mansion.” // “I’m not a trophy wife, I’m a lifetime achievement award.” // “I grew up a carny kid—Play games with me and you’re gonna pay.”

This is the ninth installment of Bravo’s upscale version of real life housewives doing semi-real things. Since the series started way back in 2006 we’ve been blessed by some of the most hilarious and wonderful taglines to ever grace television.

Taglines like:

    • “God is my savior, my husband is my kind and my body? It’s sinful.”
    • “I’d rather spend my life kicking ass, than kissing it.”
    • “I may be married to a plastic surgeon, but I’m 98-percent real.”
The Dallas wives’ taglines are terrible. Just terrible. Carny kid? Shine your light? Vicki Gunvalson is shaking her head in disappoinment at an insurance convention somewhere right now.

“The Real Housewives of Dallas” airs on Mondays at 10/9C on Bravo.