“The Today Show” is a daily, 4-hour show made up of innumerable bite-sized segments. Admittedly, finding something new or interesting to say every day outside of the news and weather is difficult. You can only come up with so many cleaning hacks and life tips before deciding “4 Surprising Uses For Beer Other Than Drinking” is a good idea.
Spoiler: it is not a good idea.
The clip suggests you use beer as a stain remover, wood polisher, shampoo, and/or a mosquito catcher. These are all really, really bad ideas. Like, horrendously bad ideas.
1. Stain Remover: Beer is not bleach. Have you ever spilled beer on yourself or someone else? Guess what? It stains clothes. If you think your wine stain would look better with a beer stain accent, by all means try to clean your carpet with beer instead of soap.
2. Wood Restoration: Have you ever been to a bar and thought, “Why does this furniture look so immaculate?” Well the secret is out, thanks to the “Today” crew. Liberally spill beer on your furniture. Let it soak into the wood grain for that long lasting stickiness that will have your guests raving, “Can I have a wet wipe or something?” and “Why does you house smell so sour?”
3. Adding Shine to Hair: Forget scientifically crafter shampoos and conditioners, your hair needs the kind of shine that can only come from yeasty malt. Your clumpy beer hair will simply radiate as it creates a radius of stench around you. Sure, beer skunks in sunlight and will make you smell like a frat house the day after a rager, but nothing covers up a bad smell like a good compliment.
4. Catching mosquitos: Is that someone’s beer? No, silly! It’s for the bugs. If the bugs aren;’t all drawn to your carpet, furniture, or hair, just put a cold one outside for them to enjoy at their leisure. The mosquito chief will thank you personally and will vow to never bite you again in return for your generosity.
If you use beer for in any of these ways, frankly, you should be stopped. Use things the way they are supposed to be used. Not everything was meant to be “hacked.”