In certain parts of the South and Midwest, weather is really big deal. It’s right to respect the weather, but some meteorological terms are just confusing. Here are some alternate explanations we find much more entertaining than the real definitions.
Anabatic – No, it’s Anabaptist.
Anvil Zits – See a dermatologist immediately.
Absolute Humidity – What exactly is the difference between this and the regular kind of humidity that wrecks our hair?
Ball Lightning – Really bad prom theme.
Barber Pole – Not to be confused with a barber stick. Seriously, what is this?
Bears Cage and/or Beaver’s Tail – Two meteorologists met in the woods.
Bomb Cyclone – Don’t say this on a plane.
Backing Wind – Not a weather event, actually just every teenage boy you know.
Chinook Wind – From a helicopter?
Cool Pool – aka, a pool in April.
Cut Off Low – aka, jorts, aka denim underwear.
Derechoe – We don’t even know how to pronounce this one. Got nothing.
Diamond Dust – A really good prom theme.
Dirty Ridge – The girl your mama warned you about.
Diurnal – Hold on to one of the urinals during a tornado.
Extra Tropical Cyclone – More cheese than a regular cyclone.
Frog Storm – If you’re in one of these, it’s definitely time to read your Bible.
Halo – A really great Beyonce song.
Indian Summer – Or, to be correct, Native American summer.
Lake Effect – As you might expect this is the effect of a lake on the weather. Not to be confused with mud puddle, kiddie pool, or bird bath effect.
Macroburst – This is gum, right?
Mamma Clouds – Clouds that bring you chicken soup when you have a cold.
Mesohigh – Only occurs in Washington and Colorado.
Morning Glory – Is that like an afternoon delight or closer to a nooner?
Orphan Anvil – One who, sadly, has no Mamma Cloud.
Pendant Echo – Jewelry you got from your seventh grade boyfriend. If you were lucky.
Popcorn Convection – Movie night!
Potential Temperature – When you just can’t commit to an actual temperature.
Profiler – The FBI is tracking this weather.
Quality of Snow – Not your clearance table snow, but the good kind with the high flake count.
Retrogression – Overalls are making a comeback.
Roll Cloud – All here!
St. Elmo’s Fire – Rob Lowe created a weather machine to take over the world.
Sensible Heat – Not too high a heel, good for long walks.
Short Wave – As if wearing a tiara while riding on a float.
Shower – Like a bath but standing up.
Smog – Weather swag.
Special Marine Warning – Fleet Week!
Squall – Sound a baby makes.
Surface Hoar – But she’s got a heart of gold.
Tornado Alley – To be avoided after dark and between March and June.
Turkey Tower – Be thankful this only occurs in November.
Unstable Air – The quality of air when visiting in-laws or running into your ex at Walmart.
Weather Balloon – Celebrates a storm.
Wedge – Next big thing on McDonald’s menu.
Young Ice – Vanilla in the 80s.