Eight Bumper Stickers That Make Me Worry About America

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Bumper stickers are weird. Just as when choosing a tattoo, one must carefully consider what one attaches to one’s bumper. Here are some perplexing stick-on sentiments people have chosen to share with the world, or at least certain stretches of highway throughout Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas. That’s where I saw these gems (Yes, actual mottos, credos, warnings, and inspiring words caught in between stops for Diet Coke and jalapeno cheddar Cheetos.)

Guns don’t kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do.

How about a curfew? Homicide seems excessive.

I’m not speeding. I’m qualifying.

Highway patrolmen love Nascar humor.

Don’t tread on me.

This sentiment was delivered with an image of a snake. So, is this a tire reference or a snake reference? Unless Benjamin Franklin was driving, message not received.

It’s a cowboy thang.

Dude was driving. Never trust a man who want to tell you about his thang.

There are no shortcuts.

On a car or truck this might have been some kind of metaphorical platitude. On an 18-wheeler, however, where this was spotted, the message is just depressing. Presumably a truck driver knows a few shortcuts. Maybe this particular driver just isn’t that bright.

Keep calm and chive on.

Is this a typo or has this meme truly jumped the shark? Hard to believe anyone is this passionate about what essentially amounts to under nourished green onions. Shallots, maybe, but chives? Unlikely. Or perhaps this is some new euphemism I need to learn. Are ALL the kids “chiving on” these days?

Elves Rule.

As a short woman, I take offense. I think.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. 

Translation: People should definitely be afraid of this guy.

Image Source: Wikimedia