Like the mother bird who pushes her little birdies out of the nest when they are ready, Southern women must do the same to their dear offspring. It is imperative that we train our children so that they will be ready to face “the real world” when it is their turn to leave the proverbial nest. So, what happens when the little birdies return from university for the summer? Well, let’s just say you might want to consider these four defensive strategies to help ward off complete and total chaos.
Let the little “angels” know who is still in charge. Remind them that unless all purse strings are cut, their age is really not relevant to any or all conversations. They should also remember to mind all their manners you taught them. Your home is not a frat house and certainly doesn’t need to look, smell, or sound like one.
Get to the grocery store and pretend like you are a dooms day prepper getting ready for the end of the world. (Taking out a home equity line may be needed for financing said grocery store visit.) That, ladies, is the only way you will be able to keep up with your children’s appetites and the extra cost it involves. It is amazing the amount of food that can be consumed. I swear college kids remind me of aardvarks out for their evening feeding.
Next, make sure that all the televisions and remotes have been serviced and are in grand working condition. If not, you can forget about watching HGTV or Law and Order, anything, because your TV line-up will be replaced with MTV. And yes, there are hundreds of episodes of “Sixteen and Pregnant.” And no, “Catfish” isn’t a cooking show.
Lastly, put on your favorite Country Junkie Nation tank top and comfortable shorts because you are going to need them when you sign up for yoga and meditation. Those deep breaths may be the only things that save you from the clothes piled up as tall as the Blue Ridge Mountains. And, don’t forget the unrelenting cups and dishes that will be scattered throughout the house. Heck, I had to go buy some more silverware after the last break my son had. I still don’t have a clue as to where those utensils may be. They are probably with Jimmy Hoffa’s remains, so at least we know Geraldo Rivera will never find them.
I love my kids. They are my greatest accomplishment and no mother could be prouder. However, just like in the movie, “Poltergeist,” they’re back. Take these tips to heart and put them to memory. They could very well be your only saving grace. Good luck to all, and may God have mercy on us.
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