If The Waffle House Went Gourmet

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The Waffle House has been an institution in the South since 1955. In fact, it’s impossible to drive a mile without seeing one of their 1,500 restaurants with the iconic yellow sign that dot the highways. But while their 24-hour menu is considered a classic, we wondered if it was time for an update. Is it time for WH to get a little more fancy for all of the foodies out there?

So imagine if you were to stumble into a Waffle House at 3:00 a.m. and saw these items on the plastic, sticky menu:

Whole-Wheat Flaxseed Waffles Comingled with Honey-Glazed Georgia Pecans

Lovingly handcrafted by Executive Chef, Buddy McNutt Jr., and served with a delicate dollop of mushroom almond butter.

Old Smoked English Cheddar Cheese ‘n Locally-Laid Cage-Free Eggs

The tangy flavor of cheese, co-mingled with eggs straight from a mommy chicken’s personal coop.

Organic Russet Hashbrowns Served “Chunked” with Aged Kentucky Prosciutto Truffles

We carve our hashbrowns out of the finest potatoes available, using the ancient sterling silver tools once used by the Idaho Indigenous tribes.

Bowl of Gluten-Free Organic Steel-Cut Grits

Served piping hot, with art-directed puffs of flavor steam.

Artisanal Country Ham with Heart-Healthy Conflict-Free Eggs and a Side of Fruity Quinoa Jelly

Today’s ham hails from a whimsical feral hog named “Pancho” who loved post-modern art and butterflies. We honor him with this meal.

Hashbrowns Tenderly Scattered “All the Enriched Paleo Vegan Way”

Presented with twigs and berries carefully picked in a nature preserve by local gifted and talented school children wearing fedoras.

Bert’s Fair Trade Slow-Roasted Lentil Chili

Each and every bean is studied, measured and caressed so it meets with Bert’s high-standards for this truly, truly precious chili.

Two Humanely Grilled Semolina Biscuits with a Cherry Polenta Emulsion

We store our biscuit mix in a solid-gold, underground facility to ensure that it’s at peak freshness and flakiness.

Farm-To-Market Spanish Mackerel Sausage, Poultry Ranch Ecru-Tinted Eggs and Savory Chevril Cheese Grits

Five-time winner of the Paris (Texas) Grande Cuisine Competition. Feel free to hold a photo session for this eighth wonder of the world before eating. (No flash, please.)

Black Pepper Flat Iron T-Bone Served with Hand-Crafted Buttermilk-Infused Biscuit Droppings

Served with fresh tears dripping onto the plate by Florence, our head waitress, who wonders just what the hell the world has come to.

On second thought, let’s just keep things the way they are. One pecan waffle, please.

Image source: BigStock