Excuse Me While I Roast This $450 Colonial Dress

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Hello friends, it’s me, your resident fashion-illiterate commentator. As I have demonstrated before, I have no experience within the high-fashion world and no desire to understand the pseudo-philosophical mumbo-jumbo behind the obviously wacky and wild choices made within that industry. Today, I turn my attention to a $450 “Pilgrim Dress” that is being roasted across the Internet.

Cast your gaze upon the Sequoia Dress in weathercloth.

I assume “weathercloth” is a color? Wait, no it isn’t. That’s the color version of a Gatorade flavor. It means nothing but sounds better than “Army Blanket.” And $450!? Sure, you could buy 10 dresses at Old Navy that are relevant to this century for that price, but why not impress your Colonial cosplay troupe with the actively frumpy real deal? All those gals in Roanoke will be jealous.

The description says the dress was cut with a “crisp, cool hand,” which means it was made by robots, right? The only humans with crisp cool hands are a zombie, Edward Scissor-Hands, and Robocop. Humans have warm mushy hands, which, now that I say that, is pretty weird.

I should rewrite their description:

“Has the New World left you down? Is Plymouth Rock not the fashion mecca you imagined? Well, we have a dress that will make all your sister-wives jealous! This dress comes to us from the runways of the Salem Witch Trails with the sturdy utility to complete your daily chores and the pizazz to turn the Colonel’s head at the market. This Typhoid Mary inspired parachute shows just enough ankle to bring the boys to the stockyard, but is loose enough to appease any Puritan minister. This belongs on every Jane Eyre and Emily Bronte fan’s Amazon Amishlist.”

Again, style is a personal choice. Wear what you want, but also know that a year from now all of your fashion statements will be outdated. It would be a shame to spend $500 on a statement like this.